Can't Let Go
by NickandLiv
Summary: With Nick trying to correct what he feels is a mistake and Amanda holding on, things get messy.
1. Chapter 1

**So this story came to me out of the blue and I had to write it because it wouldn't leave me alone. It's Rollaro…one shot? I have no idea, I'm truly just a slave to my creative urges so we may get a multi or this might be all, who knows. Anyway, Dick wolf owns the SVU characters. Enjoy, or don't I don't know.**

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"So what are we going to do now that all of this is behind us?" Amanda asked Nick as they sat in a corner booth in the back of the out of the way diner where they'd decided to meet for coffee

"I don't know, I'm just taking it one day at a time – and wait, "we"?"

"Well, yeah" she smiled, having slipped off her shoe and was now trailing her toes up his inner thigh. "I mean we are together now, I figure we outta be thinkin about our future accordingly?"

"Whoa!" he exclaimed, both from her statement and where her toes were now resting. He took hold of her petite foot and gingerly moved it away towards the floor. "Amanda…what we were doin; I think I may have given you the wrong idea and I apologize for not being clearer"

"Clearer on what? Nick what exactly are you sayin?" he could see the anger rising in her eyes and knew that he should choose his words carefully; but how do you carefully tell someone – a friend, that what she perceived as a budding relationship was to him, just a series of hookups?

"Look I care about you" he started as he touched her hand"

"Oh god!" She uttered as she pulled it away and tears filled her eyes.

"The last thing I want to do is hurt you"

"Spare me the rhetoric Nick; I get it!" she quickly swatted at the tears that were now rolling down her cheeks

"We both had a lot goin on and just needed a shoulder…I thought you understood that goin in"

"What I understand" she cried as she got up from the booth "Is that I let myself love you and you sit here and tell me that it was just sex?!"

"Amanda…"

"Here I was, thinking that I was special; and you were different!" she grabbed her purse and jacket and began walking away.

"Rollins, wait!"

"Fuck you!" she screamed without turning around, her vision blurred by the tears that wouldn't stop falling as she stepped out into the night air. She knew good and well what an upset like this would drive her to and she couldn't let that happen.

"I need a meeting" she admitted to herself and set off to find one.

...

Inside, Nick sat feeling terrible, hurting her wasn't what he wanted, but having gone through all of this nonsense with the Wilkes issue these last few weeks was a huge wakeup call to him; he had to get his life in order and sleeping with Amanda had been the wrong thing to do. He'd hurt her. And although he knew that she probably wanted nothing to do with him right now, he hoped that in the long run he wouldn't lose her as a friend.

...

Amanda walked in to the basement gymnasium of St. Anne's church just in time for the Gamblers anonymous meeting to start. Still visibly upset, she sat her purse and jacket down on one of the empty folding chairs that had been set up and walked over to the table on the other side of the space to pour herself a cup of coffee.

With a shaky hand, she picked up the coffeepot and slowly began to pour the steaming hot liquid into the Styrofoam cup she held in the other hand. when it was only halfway full, she returned the pot to its burner and forgoing and cream or sugar, she lifted the cup to her lips and took a sip, turning up her mouth at the too bitter, too burned taste. _Was there any such thing as good coffee at these meetings? _She wondered as she lowered the cup, her mind wandering back to just a half hour ago in the diner…

_We both had a lot goin on and just needed a shoulder…I thought you understood that goin in._

Was he serious? After all they'd gone through, everything she did for him? _I intimidate a fucking victim for get him out of prison, put my career in danger and this is what I get? 'I never meant to hurt you'? You are not getting away from me so easily Nick!_

And then came the memories; the way he'd smile, the way he looked, his touch… god, his touch! She could get lost in it; she often did, when Nick was inside her, nothing else mattered – not family problems, or addiction, or the job; none of the outside world meant anything when she was lying beside him, beneath him; he would take her so relentlessly. Never in her whole life had she had a lover like Nick; he understood her, understood her body and knew how to pleasure it in ways she'd never experienced- just the things he'd do with his fingers…

"I said can you pass the sugar" she heard a male voice say, startling her from her reverie. She quickly wiped her eyes and picked up the sugar container, turning around to hand it off.

"I'm sorry I was just… Nate?!" she said, surprised to see her former flame standing there.

"Hey Amanda; it's been a long time." He smiled as he looked her over. "You look good"

"You don't look so bad yourself Nate" she said in a sigh "Not at all."

...

Later that night in Amanda's apartment, in her bedroom...

"Ah, fuck baby!" Nate groaned as Amanda straddled his hips, riding him for dear life "I'm gonna… AHHHHH!" he yelled as he came hard, his fingers digging into her waist while he held her still and gave her every drop.

"What the fuck are you doing?" she yelled, pushing his hands away and getting off of him, his semi-limp penis falling against his stomach once it pulled out of her.

"What?" he asked as she lay back against the pillows and reach for a cigarette

"What? You don't make me come and you put a fucking load in me that's what! ARGH!" she growled "Why did I think this was a good idea?"

"Because you missed me?" he smiled

"Fin was right, you are a douche!" she said as she lit it and took a drag.

"But you love it" he said as he took the cigarette from her lips and took a long pull. Before handing it back to her.

"Nate, do me a favor…get the fuck out!" she demanded, wiping the smile from his face.

...

No sooner than she heard the front door shut, she stubbed out her cigarette, rolled over and picked up the phone to call Nick.

"Amaro"

"Nick…hey, it's Amanda" he was silent on the other end, not having expected for her to call. "So listen, I'm sitting her home alone and I was wonderin if maybe you wanted some company…I could come over"

"Um… Amanda I don't think that's a good idea in light of our talk tonight"

"I know but I just… I miss you" Nick was silent again "Nick just tell me what I did wrong, tell me what I need to change and I'll do it"

"Amanda stop. It's not you, alright? We let this…thing between us get out of hand and it was a bad idea."

"Thing? Is that all I was to you? a _thing_?"

"No; Rollins, you know you mean more to me than that."

"Do I? Is someone there? Is that why you don't want me to come over, you're already fucking someone else, is that what this was about?"

"You know that's not who I am."

"Really Nick? Because you had no problem fucking me while you're married to Maria! Who is it?" she demanded, fresh tears falling.

"I'm not doing this"

"Just tell me!" She screamed through her tears "I deserve that much!"

"Amanda, listen to me; there is no one else. I just have to do what I need to do to get my life in order."

"Why can't I be a part of it?" she sobbed. It saddened him to know that he was the cause of her pain and he paused for a brief moment to collect himself.

"You sound tired. Get some sleep, we'll talk more tomorrow." He said and hung up before she could say another word.

"Nick wait!" and began to cry harder when she realized that he had hung up. she quickly dialed back only to be sent straight to voicemail and she hung up without leaving a message, screaming in frustration as she threw the phone across the room and fell back against her pillows sobbing.

"We are not over until I say we're over!" she declared to herself out loud!

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**The end, or is it? K, bye!**


	2. Chapter 2

**MOST F THE REVIEWS I GOT FOR THIS STORY WERE YOU GUYS NOT KNOWING WHO TO SIDE WITH HERE AND FEELING MUTUAL DISGUST WITH BOTH NICK AND AMANDA. WELL, YOU'LL PROBABLY FIND YOURSELF FEELING MORE OF THE SAME WITH THIS CHAPTER. SUDDENLY, THE STORY HAS DECIDED ON A DIRECTION AND SO I WRITE. DICK WOLF OWNS, ENJOY.**

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Six a.m. the following morning, Nick left his house to go for his morning run and was surprised to see Amanda standing at the bottom of the stairs.

"Good morning" she said, startling him as he was locking the door and causing him to drop his keys.

"Damn it Rollins!" he exclaimed while trying to catch his breath, he wasn't angry, just surprised as he bent to pick up his keys.

"Sorry" she apologized as she ascended the stairs, staring at his shirtless, chiseled torso. "I'm here"

"For what?" he asked, his heart still pounding from the fright she'd given him.

"You said last night that we would talk more tomorrow... it's tomorrow."

"I didn't mean – don't you have to be at work?" he asked, hoping for an out.

"Not till noon" she smiled, never taking her eyes from him as she sipped her coffee "We gonna go inside or…?"

He paused for a moment, weighing his options and decided that the best thing would be to get it over with, sighing as he unlocked his door and pushed it open.

"Yeah; come on in." he said, already feeling as if he'd begun the day with a mistake as Rollins happily walked past him and into his home. this break would not be as clean as he'd hoped it would be.

...

"Are you hungry? I could whip up breakfast for you" Amanda offered once Nick was inside the house.

"No; I'm good" he said as he took a seat on the sofa, she quickly sat down beside him – close beside him, a bit too close for his taste so he got up and sat in the armchair.

"So what did you want to talk about?" she asked, giving him her full attention

"It's not that I wanted… I really thought that we said all we needed to say last night.

"At first, I'll admit that I just wanted to get as far away from you as I could in that moment. You hurt me"

"I know I did but Amanda, you have to know that it was never my intention to cause you pain. I care about you and I respect you, I just didn't know that you had gotten so deep into this thing we had."

"Thing…" she mused. "Nick, we were more than just a thing to me; we are more than just a thing"

"Amanda, we can still be friends but-"

"You said that you care about me and that you respect me?" she asked

"And I do"

"Then respect me enough to tell me the truth"

"I don't know what truth you're looking for" he said honestly

"Who is she?"

"She, who?"

"The other woman"

"There is no other woman!"

"Of course there is!" she yelled as she stood up "There's always the other woman; men only leave because of the other woman!"

"Amanda…"

"Just tell me" she begged "Is it someone I know?"

"Amanda…"

"It is, isn't it? Is it Olivia?"

"Olivia? What the hell… she's my boss!" he yelled, now annoyed and got up to walk away from her

"I'm not stupid Nick, I see the way you look at her!"

"This is insane!"

"Insane huh? Then why aren't you denying it?"

"Even if I did feel something for Olivia, she would never return it and it has nothing to do with this situation!"

"So is that it? You can't have her so you use me as a filler?"

"That's bullshit and you know it!"

'No, what I know is that I trusted you and you turned out to be just like every other man. I thought you were different… shame on me!" tears were falling freely down her face

"I'm sorry that I hurt you and I'm sorry that you feel used"

"Then stay!" she begged, throwing her arms around him and weeping. Unsure of what to do, he paused for a moment then deciding that a hug couldn't hurt, he reluctantly put his arms around her to comfort her.

"It's gonna be alright" he said "Just…" his words were cut short when she pressed her lips to his and kissed him.

"I love you Nick! Please don't do this, please!" she cried as he tried to pull her arms from around his neck.

"Amanda stop it!" he demanded as he continued to wrench her arms but she was stronger than he'd anticipated.

"Nick please!"

"STOP IT!" he yelled as he finally yanked her off, pushing her away and causing her to lose her footing and fall, hitting her face on the edge of the coffee table, horrifying Nick. "Oh my god!" he cried as he bent down to her and took her in his arms, his stomach tying itself in a knot.

"I'm ok" she said dully as she sat up and touched her fingers to her cheek.

"Let me see" he said as he gently moved her hand away from her face, angry with himself when he saw blood. "You're bleeding"

"It's just a scratch" she replied as he skimmed his fingertips over her cheekbone, she couldn't help but revel in his touch and in spite of the terrible throbbing pain in her face, she could feel herself moistening as she looked up into his eyes

"I'm so sorry" he sincerely apologized

"It was an accident" she said as she looked up at him, tears in her eyes. "Nick, Please – if we have to say goodbye… not like this, please. Just let me feel you one more time.

"Amanda…"

"Please, Nick" she knew that he wouldn't be able to refuse her while she was lying injured in his arms; an injury that he'd caused. He looked down at her for another moment before standing and helping her to her feet.

"It wouldn't be right" he refused, leaving her heartbroken

"So that's it?" she asked, more tears falling.

"I'm gonna get the first aid kit' he said after a brief pause

"You know what, don't bother! We don't need anything from you!" she said and turned to leave

"Wait, we?"

"It's what I had planned to tell you last night before you told me it was over… I'm pregnant."

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**So now I have 3 Rollins stories going all at once; so if you can't get enough of our favorite blonde detective, check out 'Hers To Bear' and "Over Her Head" anyway, thoughts?**


	3. Chapter 3

**I'VE NEVER POSTED TWO UPDATES TO A STORY IN ONE DAY BUT THIS ONE SEEMS TO WANT TO BE WRITTEN QUICKLY SO I GOTTA OBEY THE URGE. DICK WOLF OWNS, ENJOY!**

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"What the hell was I thinking? Did I really just tell Nick that I'm pregnant?"She wondered as she made her way home after leaving Nick's place.

...

"_How long have you known?"_

"_A few days – I was late and decided to take a test"_

"_What did the doctor say? How far…"_

"_Three weeks" _

_Nick dragged his hand down his face, he couldn't believe what he was hearing._

"_A baby!"_

"_You're happy about this; right?"_

"_I don't know what I feel – it's all so… I mean I thought you were on the pill"_

"_I was… accidents happen" she reminded him as he sighed, hanging his head in his hands._

...

"He thinks he's going to be a father – how the hell am I gonna pull that off?" she asked herself out loud, knowing that she really messed up this time. "What's gonna happen in a few months when I should be showing?" but she just as quickly decided that she didn't care. Even though Nick was shocked, she knew that he would do the right thing once it all sank in and once he did, that would give her time – at least three months to make him love her and then once he did… well she'd work out those details when the time came but for now, she needed to work on convincing Nick to stay with her – not that he'd need much convincing.

"He's a good man, no worries!" she assured herself as she took a look in her rearview mirror at the huge bruise that covered one side of her face where she'd fallen onto the coffee table. "Totally worth looking like a DV victim!" she shrugged and continued driving.

...

At work she had to deal with stares and unasked questions from everyone who saw her face. Finally, after a couple hours, it was Olivia who decided to ask about it and called her into her office.

"Close the door please" Olivia instructed. Rollins did as she was asked before coming to stand in front of her superior.

"Somethin wrong Sarge?" Amanda asked innocently

"I can't help but be concerned about the cut and bruise on your face"

"Oh, that."

"Yeah, that" Olivia said as she took a seat on the edge of her desk. "What happened?"

"I fell." Amanda said blankly, quietly and not giving further explanation.

"That's it, you fell?" Olivia asked disbelievingly. "And the bruises to your wrists? You "fall" and get those too?"

"Liv, it's not what you think"

"Then please enlighten me; you've been moody, unfocused and secretive for months and today you walk in here looking like this. Do I need to pay someone a visit?"

"What? No, it's nothing, I promise… look, he didn't mean it, okay?" she could see the anger in Liv's eyes

"So someone did do this to you?"

"Liv"

"Amanda, I'm concerned. You oughta consider yourself lucky that it's me and not Fin asking or this would have escalated quickly. Are you in trouble?"

"No, I swear; it was just an accident… do you think I'd be so bold to walk into work looking like this if someone were beating me?"

"I guess you have a point."

"I do appreciate the concern, but I'm fine so stop worrying" Amanda assured her CO before getting up to leave."Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I… well it's kind of a personal question."

"How personal?"

'It's… I've noticed the way Nick…"

"The way Nick what?"

Amanda knew that she shouldn't be asking such a thing but right now, she wasn't thinking clearly.

"The way he looks at you, like he's… interested"

"What, Nick? No, that's…" Olivia was at a loss for words

"I thought you'd be flattered, he's a great catch"

"And a friend and I happen to be his boss"

"So even if he were interested?"

"It would never happen, now are we done talking about this because we have a ton of work to get to." Olivia said, ending the conversation.

"Yep, all done boss!" Amanda smiled as she walked out of Liv's office, even though it hurt her face to do so but still she was happy, Olivia wasn't the reason that Nick wanted to leave, she wasn't a threat. There was no reason for Amanda to be jealous or concerned – atl east not where her sergeant was concerned.

...

"Thank god!" she whispered to herself "This could've gone left real fast" she said as she again busied herself with her paperwork and thinking that this would be much easier than she thought.

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**Amanda, Amanda, Amanda… what are you doing?**


	4. Chapter 4

**DID YOU HATERS THINK THAT YOU HAD STOPPED THIS STORY? NAH, I DON'T WORK THAT WAY. THE ONLY REASON I HAVEN'T UPDATED IS BECAUSE I'VE BEEN BUSY WITH OTHER STORIES. IF I'M BEING PERFECTLY HONEST, I'M NOT EVEN INTERESTED MUCH IN THIS ONE BUT BECAUSE THERE ARE THOSE OF YOU WHO LIKE TO BE RUDE, I'M GOING TO CONTNUE TO PISS YOU OFF BY KEEPING THIS GOING. DICK WOLF OWNS THE SVU CHARACTERS. ENJOY!**

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**Reader comment**

**Guest chapter 3 . Jul 21**

**"Amanda Amanda Amanda what are you doing?"**

**More like what are YOU doing? This is not Amanda. I hope this story is a self reflection of yourself because this isn't Amanda. You're pathetic and so are the rest of the Amanda haters. She makes one mistake and slept with one guy she actually had interest in and now she's some loose whore?**

**Nick is a fucking douchebag here and he's not a douchebag, I think the series established the fact that he's very loyal a long time ago. I'm not saying he wouldn't break up with Amabda but he wouldn't use her for sex, at least not if she's not doing the same. This is repulsive. You're destroying these characters and it hurt to even read this atrocity. No scratch that, these must be your own self inserted OCs because if it's not, you really need to take a step back and reevaluate what the fuck compelled you to buy a computer and even start writing.**

I've got a better question, why are you reading a story you hate so much? it's called creative freedom. Google it!

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After three weeks, things still hadn't shifted in Amanda's favor; Nick had become despondent over the news of his impending fatherhood that wasn't, trying even harder to avoid her while at the same time struggling with what he should do.

He would love and take responsibility for this child; there was no doubt in his mind about that but Amanda…she was another story. He cared about her, of course, but she was now expecting that they would make a life together and he didn't know if that would be the right thing to do under present circumstances; he hadn't even begun to figure out how he would explain this – any of it to Zara and once Maria found out… she was already determined to take Zara away from him and this would be the perfect catalyst to make him look like a cheating, irresponsible jerk in front of the judge.

At work things were tense between the two, away from work it was constant phone calls, unannounced visits and guilt trips that made the situation even more unbearable for Nick and leaving Amanda restless. If she had any hopes of getting closer to Nick it needed to happen now and there was no time to waste.

"So I've been thinking" she said in a hushed tone after having caught Nick by the elevators as he was on his way to interview a victim "Maybe this weekend we could do something…together"

"Like what?"

"I don't know, like maybe…dinner?"

"Yeah, we could do that. We should probably sit down and talk anyway"

"Okay" she smiled as the elevator doors opened. "Maybe we could even make it a family thing; us, your mom and Zara…tell them about the baby…"

"Wait, what?" he said as he put his hand in between the closing doors to stop them "Rollins, I'm not ready…for that yet"

"Well when will you be ready? When I'm showing and can't hide it anymore?"

"Will you keep your voice down?"

"Why? Nick this is happening whether you accept it or not so why don't you just accept it?" Amanda seethed, getting louder and more upset by the second

"I am…" he stopped when a fellow officer walked by, turning his head around to make sure the man had moved on before he began speaking again. "I am accepting it, I just need time; this isn't something I can just spring on my daughter, especially when she's already dealing with so much with me and her mother"

"Newsflash Nick, Zara is not your only concern anymore, you have to think about OUR child now too!"

"Really Amanda, here? You wanna have a shouting match in our workplace?"

"I don't give a damn where we are. I will not continue to let you ignore me!"people were now starting to pay attention, coming from the squad room to see what the disturbance in the hall was about.

"I'm not trying to ignore you; can we talk about this later, I have a victim to get to!" Nick's anger, on top of his embarrassment was threatening to get the best of him

"Anything to avoid me huh?"

"You know what, to hell with this, I'm out!" he said and turned to the staircase exit just in time to hear…

"Rollins, Amaro…NOW!" Olivia yelled from the squad room entrance, giving both detectives a death glare before walking away. Nick and Amanda stood speechless and gave each other accusing looks before following Olivia to her office.

…

"You two wanna tell me what the hell is going on?" Olivia asked, making no effort to hide her anger.

"Not really" Amanda grumbled

"Excuse me?"

"I said, not really" The blonde spoke up, noticeably louder this time. Nick turned and gave her a look from where he sat

"Tread carefully Rollins" Olivia warned

"You're my boss but that doesn't give you the right to know every detail of my personal life!" Amanda yelled angrily as she stood up from her seat. Olivia, having had it with Amanda's antics quickly got in the young detective's face.

"Guess what sweetheart? It does when you bring it into my squad room!"

"Liv; sarge, we're sorry, it won't happen again" Nick quickly apologized

"You're damn right it won't because I am telling you both, whatever the hell's been going on between you two, ends now! I've got enough on my plate without 1PP being on my ass over this!"

"You're right and I'm sorry" Nick apologized again "The last thing I want is to cause trouble for you"

"For _her? _are you kidding me?"

"Rollins…"Nick called

"No! You don't want to cause trouble for her but what about the trouble you've caused me?"

"This is not the place!" Nick warned

"To hell with this; 24 hours! I'm giving you 24 hours to man the fuck up or I go to the brass myself and I don't give a shit about getting either of your asses in hot water!" she screamed and stormed out of Olivia's office, slamming the door and continuing out of the squad room just as angrily, all eyes on her.

"What was that?" Olivia wondered aloud, looking at Nick who stood dragging his hand down his face

"That was my life spinning out of control. Liv, we need to talk." He confessed to his superior and again took a seat.

…

A few hours later, Amanda slowly opened her eyes, startled to find a strange woman who she didn't recognize, staring down at her.

"You're awake" The woman exclaimed

"Who are you and where am I?" Amanda asked groggily as she made an attempt to sit up but the pain in her head forced her back down.

"I'm Vicky, your nurse, you're in the hospital."

"Hospital?"

"You crashed your car into a pole, you've been unconscious for the last three hours. Do you know what day it is?" the nurse asked

"Um…Tuesday I, I think" Amanda replied. Her head felt like it was splitting open.

"That's right" the nurse smiled "What about your name?"

Amanda groaned before answering as she held her head "A-manda…Rollins. Could I please have something for my head?"

"Of course. We'll get you something that's safe for the baby"

"What are you talking about?" she asked, unsure if she'd heard correctly

"You were unconscious when they brought you in so we drew blood to check for alcohol and ran some tests to determine treatment. Your blood test came back positive for pregnancy; hormone levels suggest you're about three weeks along. Congratulations, I'll send the doctor right in." she smiled and left the room.

"Well I'll be damned!" Amanda grinned to herself in spite of the pain she was in "There's a little pea in the pod after all…even if it is Nate's…but that'll be my little secret!" her luck was finally changing!

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**So apparently we have fic thugs who think that they can bully and intimidate people into writing the way they want them to. Allow me to explain this one more time. I write what the fuck I want, you don't like it, turn the other way because it's going to happen whether or not you approve. Everyone is fair game in my stories and I'm not going to spare Amanda because some of you have your panties in a bunch. You want stories that show Amanda in a good light? Try my other fics because this one ain't it! Didn't anybody ever teach you that you don't get what you want by throwing tantrums? **


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